


A Cracking Celebration

by octopus_fool



Series: Yuletide Cheer [19]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, christmas crackers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 02:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16965708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: Gandalf thought Yuletide crackers would be a good idea: small trinkets like brass clasps, cups, rings... what could possibly go wrong?Has hints of Fíli/Ori.





	A Cracking Celebration

**Author's Note:**

> There is a very brief mention of overeating in this, in case that is a problem for anyone. 
> 
> The Khuzdul is translated in the mouseover text.
> 
> Written for day 13 of [Arda Advent](http://ardaprompts.tumblr.com/post/180626386876/join-me-in-creating-wintery-fanworks-about), the prompt was "Christmas cracker".

“Did you put the surprise you made into the basket by the door?” Gandalf asked as Bofur sat down at the festively decorated table.

“Yes, I did,” Bofur replied as everyone who was already sitting rolled their eyes.

“Oh wait,” Kíli exclaimed and began rummaging through his pockets. “I think I forgot to put mine in after all. Oh, here it is!”

He hurried to put it in the basket.

“Nori, stay away from that basket!” Gandalf warned. “I know who I’ll make responsible for any missing surprises.”

“I’m just taking a little look, no harm in that,” Nori said.

“There are just trinkets in there anyway,” Glóin pointed out. “I don’t really know what the point of this is anyway.”

“It supposed to be fun,” Bilbo said. “And Gandalf does know how to make things entertaining.”

“As long as it doesn’t involve elves,” Thorin said darkly. 

 

“Why does he get to mess with them and we don’t?” Nori grumbled, looking up from the pile of food stacked onto his plate.

“Well, Mister Gandalf is a wizard and knows what he’s doing,” Dori pointed out. “While you have a tendency of getting into trouble.”

“I’d bet my left thumb that Gandalf has gotten into more trouble than I ever will.”

“Can’t we just enjoy the feast in peace?” Ori asked. 

 

“So what you’ll want to do… Kíli are you listening?” Gandalf asked, raising a bushy eyebrow.

“…is pull on the ends,” Glóin finished for him. “Let’s do it, Dwalin.”

“No, wait!”

There was a loud explosion and small pieces of colourful paper rained down over the stunned dwarves.

“[Thanb ra ulkhudlukhdu!]()” Bifur exclaimed. 

Kíli picked himself off the ground and Óin stuffed a cloth into his ear trumpet. Glóin wiped little bits of paper from his beard and Dwalin shook them off his head.

“Why didn’t you tell us it would explode?!” Glóin demanded.

“That is exactly what I was trying to tell you before you just barged on,” Gandalf said. 

“I didn’t put any explosives in there,” Nori said quickly.

“No, you didn’t,” Gandalf agreed. “I did. There’s no use in Yuletide crackers if they don’t crack, is there?”

“This isn’t in any way dangerous, is it?” Dori asked, seemingly having lost his trust in Gandalf.

“Dangerous? Oh, no, not if you keep your wits about you,” Gandalf said. “Whoever of the two pulling the cracker is quicker gets to keep the trinket, by the way.”

Glóin quickly slapped his hand on the brass clasp that had fallen out of the cracker.

“The other gets the hat and the trinket in the second cracker that is pulled by the two,” Gandalf continued. “I want everyone to be wearing a hat and to have a trinket by the end of the evening.”

Dwalin reluctantly put the lopsided crown onto his head.

Gandalf grinned. “So, who wants to go next?”

“I do!” Fíli said. “Ori, will you take the other side?”

“Of course,” Ori said, even though Dori frowned, not entirely convinced this was harmless.

They braced themselves and pulled. There was another small explosion and a small cup fell out. Fíli made a grab for it but missed spectacularly while Ori got a hold of it.

Bofur groaned as Ori carefully set the paper hat on Fíli’s head. “It couldn’t be any more obvious that Fíli let Ori win.”

Kíli nodded. “When do you think they’ll announce their engagement?”

“Hey, I won fair and square!” Ori protested, red as a beet.

“He did.” Fíli glared at them. “And I refuse to have such rumours spread about us!”

“Enough, all of you!” Thorin said. “This is not to be an evening of arguing.” 

“I’ll go next,” Balin said quickly. “Bombur?”

Bombur nodded and they pulled the next cracker. Balin won a small drum and Bombur looked a little disappointed.

“I’ll trade if you get something nice later on,” Balin said and Bombur nodded happily, adjusting his new crown. 

“I challenge you over this one,” Nori said, nodding at Thorin. “Are you up to it?”

“Of course,” Thorin said, loosening his shoulders.

There was an explosion and flash of something golden flying through the air. Thorin and Nori grabbed for it at the same moment. 

“MINE!” Thorin roared. 

“No, it’s mine!” 

They scuffled for the small golden object, neither willing to admit defeat.

“It’s just a game,” Gandalf reminded.

“Let go!” Nori shouted.

“It’s mine!” The veins on Thorin’s neck were bulging.

“No it’s not! I got hold of the ring first!”

“It’s MY precious piece of jewellery!”

Gandalf paled and rounded on Bilbo. “Bilbo Baggins, did you put that ring in there?!”

“Yes?”

The room darkened. Ominous music started playing. Gandalf rounded on Nori and Thorin. “Both of you! Drop that ring at once!”

“But it’s mine!”

“It’s my present!”

“Where is that music coming from?” Kíli asked, glancing around. 

“Why is it so dark?” Fíli added.

“I said DROP that ring!”

“My precious! My precious! Where’s my precious? Give it to us!” Gollum came rushing into the room.

“What’s _that_?” Fíli asked, protectively stepping in front of Ori.

“It doesn’t look very clean,” Dori stated. “I don’t think it should be in the same room as food.”

Thorin and Nori didn’t even look up.

“What’s he doing here?!” Bilbo asked, half hiding behind Bofur. “He’s supposed to be in the Misty Mountains.”

“It stole my preciousss!” Gollum hissed at him. “Give it back to us!”

“It’s mine!” Nori growled.

“Is not! I got it first,” Thorin protested.

“My precioussss!” Gollum exclaimed, joining the fray. “It is MINE!”

An elbow from Thorin sent him flying. 

“Whatever were you thinking?!” Gandalf asked Bilbo.

“But you said we should put small trinkets in there!”

“Yes, _trinkets_! Not real jewellery, and especially not jewellery like that!”

“But I just put a small paper ring in there, painted with golden paint!”

“You... that’s not the ring you found in the mountains?”

“Of course not!” Bilbo said, clutching his pocket.

“That really is just a paper ring?”

“Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling you all this time!”

The ominous music stopped playing. The darkness lifted from the room. 

“Who turned on the light?” Thorin asked, looking around.

Nori snatched the twisted, dented paper ring. Gollum fled from the room. The dwarves looked around in confusion. Kíli carefully set the paper crown onto Thorin’s head. 

“Should we go after him?” Dwalin asked.

Gandalf shook his head. “He’ll be long gone by now.”

“What happened just now?” Bofur asked carefully.

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Gandalf said. “Why did you two feel the need to get into such a fight over a paper ring?”

“It’s shiny?” Nori supplied. “I can’t resist anything shiny.”

Dori sighed. Everyone looked expectantly at Thorin.

“I... may have a hard time giving in?”

Gandalf sighed. “Curse the stubbornness of dwarves. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?”

“What happens with the remaining crackers?” Bilbo asked. 

Gandalf contemplated the question for a moment. “Thorin, I will pull another cracker with you. You will get to keep the trinket, so do not try to kill me over it. I promise, you will regret it if you do. Is that clear?”

Thorin nodded. Everyone jumped at the explosion from the cracker and Gandalf hurried to get away from the trinket that fell out.

“Now, does anybody else have something they should tell me? Any bad habits or addictions that might get in the way of peacefully pulling some Yuletide crackers?”

Kíli cleared his throat. “Um, whenever I start eating nuts, I can’t stop eating until I start feeling sick.”

Gandalf sighed. “I doubt that will be a problem now. Now can we please get this over with?”

**Author's Note:**

> There are still Arda Advent prompts for which I don't have ideas yet, so if there are any slash or femslash pairings (no incest though, sorry!) or Gen combinations you'd like to see, let me know (either in a comment or a tumblr ask, I'm ridiculoussquid) and I'll try to come up with something! If you've looked at my stories, you'll know that I mostly write for the Hobbit fandom, but I'm trying to do more LotR and Silmarillion stories too, so I'll also take suggestions for those (just no guarantees).


End file.
